For years sex was on my mind 90% of the time. I met men, had sex and then got to know them. Once the Internet made its debut I spent hours on sites that promised sex. Of course I worried that I was addicted, but I kept having fun, so I put that off and hoped that someday it just wouldn’t matter. Now no one gets me aroused. It’s possible that all the hottest men are gone because they found each other and bought Wolf ranges. More likely the men online are probably about as handsome and sexy as they always were; I’m just not interested.
What happened? First, I got older. More important I found a man who drives me crazy happy whenever we get together. The third critical factor is that I recently severed my relationship with my partner of ten years. The old familiar way of making friends is gone. And I am not longer accepting an unacceptable fate. Big changes. Time to move on.
First, I have to deal with powerful emotions. There’s sadness that I hurt someone and a sense of failure that I didn’t do enough or made the wrong choice. There is also anger that a man I devoted years of energy and resources to was unwilling to deal with me as an equal. I commuted monthly to Chicago for four years until he moved to San Francisco. Once he got here he kept coming up with excuses for not finding a job and stopped having sex, the one thing that brought us together. He had days where he just lay in bed and refused to take anti-depressants. Why didn’t I pull the plug years ago? The result is that since the first of the year I’ve had trouble writing; I’m tired and have trouble concentrating.
The end is near. My partner will leave at the end of the month. My response is to hunker down and try to be patient because anger has never been easy for me: I can’t control it and I don’t think straight. I’ve come to the country for a few days to build reserves needed to control the anger and frustration. Deep down I know it’s there, and I will have to deal with it so it doesn’t pollute the rest of my life. The future is uncertain, and to deal with it I have to be scrupulously honest with myself.